One week ago, Queen’s Park’s ‘new’ Chief Executive Officer, Leann Dempster, told the BBC that we had secured a ‘temporary new home’ for season 2021/22 - as Super Ray McKinnon’s boys look forward to life in League One as newly crowned League Two champions.
As seems to be tradition within the professional Queen’s Park, there has been no further news on where our home games will be played next season since Dempster’s interview, and members and supporters have been left guessing over potential venues. In the absence of news - speculation is given space to breed - and with the best interests of Queen’s Park fans in mind, The Web can’t allow this to pass without comment.
Whats App groups and football forums have been ablaze with rumour and gossip about where the grand return of fans may take place, and it is time to evaluate the pros (and cons) of these potential venues.
In what is a massive coup for this relatively new addition to the footballing lexicon, The Web has recruited the expertise of Homes Under the Hammer star Martin Roberts to run the rule over potential homes for 21/22.
The Falkirk Stadium, Falkirk
The home of Queen’s Park FC for the last 9 games of the truncated League Two season, Falkirk has proven to be a happy home for the Spiders with a series of enjoyable victories over the likes of Cowdenbeath, Edinburgh City and Stirling Albion.
Despite the relative success of the past few months (the League Two trophy memorably lifted by skipper David Galt just last week) the Falkirk Stadium surely cannot be a serious contender for the upcoming season. The pitch appears to have played a role in recent injuries to key men like Jai Quitongo, while Raymond McKinnon remains persona non-grata in the FK postcode area following a disastrous spell in charge of the Falkirk Bairns before he rocked up at Lesser Hampden Park.
Besides this, the stadium (built in the style of a miniature Hampden Park) is a lung busting 20 minute walk from Falkirk Grahamston train station and is closer to the petrochemical plants of Grangemouth than it is to any acceptable public houses. The IBF will surely not tolerate such a decision, but the QP committee may be swayed by the luxurious conference suites and lush new carpets in the main foyer.
The Fortress of Solitude, The Arctic Circle
Typically depicted as being located in the frozen tundras of the north, miles away from anything resembling civilisation, the legendary home of Superman has become a front runner due to excellent transport links in comparison with The Broadwood Stadium in Cumbernauld.
Its welcoming frontage could make the Fortress a must see footballing destination for tourist hipsters (one for the ‘gram certainly), and its complex system of underground caves would give space for the committee to hold typically clandestine meetings.
Potentially exorbitant rental fees, disgruntled Kryptonians not willing to share a venue with a Glasgow club and the looming threat of a bald egomaniac (Lex Luthor, of course) could see the Fortress lose out on hosting League One games next season.
The Fountain of Youth Stadium, Hamilton
An early favourite for members of the IBF due to its proximity to Hamilton West railway station (and the excellent Academical Vaults pub) the stadium formerly known as New Douglas Park will surely be of interest to the Queen’s Park committee when choosing a venue to host Glasgow’s finest next season.
It is fair to say that The FOYS is an unusual stadium in Scottish football terms, but I must say that I like it. A soon to be opened function suite in the main stand will make sure all members retain vital access to mugs of Tetley and tiny biscuits; while the excellent transport links will save the Club having to bus supporters from the Social Club as they did when Queen’s moved to Airdrie in 2014.
The Fountain of Youth Stadium looks like it could be an excellent option for season 2021/22, but it is unclear if mysterious benefactor Lord Willie Haughey could live with the shame of playing home games in the shadow of a Sainsbury’s superstore, owned by his long time Conservative rival in the House of Lords, The Baron of Sainsbury. One to watch.
The Green Belt Mansion, East Kilbride
If all other options fail, could Queen’s be forced to play home games on the sprawling lawns of Lord Willie Haughey’s Green Belt Mansion, located near East Kilbride? The six bedroom, 83 acre site on the outskirts of Glasgow is one of the most grandiose buildings in South Lanarkshire, and Haughey may be forced into drastic action as the Lesser Hampden construction project continues to falter.
Scotland’s most notorious fridge tycoon allegedly played a role in the recent resignation of Scottish Labour top dog Richard Leonard, and with Leonard gone, he may have some time on his hands to prepare his land for League One football in the near future.
Access to on site refrigerators will surely allow Queen’s to maximise income through hospitality, and proximity to Glasgow will allow our Club Doctor to job share as a Tory MP in the unlikely event he wins a list seat in a few days time.
Neverland
Having spent the last few months dealing with the fallout of allegedly substandard building work at Lesser Hampden, if rumours are to be believed the Queen’s committee could be ready to throw their lot in with PIRATES for season 2021/22.
Located somewhere in the Irish Sea (visible on the road to Stranraer according to the much missed ‘Vicar’, Stewart Hendry) J.M Barrie’s fantastical island would give The Queen’s Park Charitable Trust a whole new community desperate for a football team to call their own.
The presence of the villainous Captain Hook could be a problem but Lord Haughey’s experience working with Conservative MPs during the 2014 independence referendum has given him expertise in doing deals with shady pirate kings.
There have been some concerns with regards to the indigenous population of crocodiles and alligators, but with a victory at Cliftonhill under The Spiders belt last season, this shouldn’t pose too much of an issue.
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